What I think when running

I’m slightly addicted to Buzzfeed and I came across a pretty funny article titled “75 Thoughts Every Runner Has While Out For A Run“. I am not as funny, but I decided to share my version…

On going past a white van

“I don’t want to run past a white van. White van men are rude gits. Please don’t shout anything, please don’t shout anything. Oh, piss off.”

On viewing a white van

“Quick, divert!”

On running past a cute dog

“Aw, I want to stop and pet the dog. But I’m running! But it’s so cute! But if I stop, I’ll give up!”

On running past a scary looking dog

“That dog looks scary, please don’t hurt me.”

On running along a main road

“Bah, all these people in their cars are probably laughing at me, oh shit, I look all sweaty.”

On going past a slower runner

“I hope they don’t think I’m showing off by overtaking them, oh dear now I sound arrogant, but I’m not, I’m slow, just not that slow, but we all start somewhere and I was probably slower, unless maybe they’re running 20 miles today which is a long way and my 2 mile effort is pitifully lazy in comparison, or maybe they did a 50 mile ultra yesterday which is a reaaaaaaaaaally long way and I am the feeble one.”

On running with boyfriend.

“Yes ok, this is a slow jog and you could walk at this pace, shut up.”

On hearing a faster running approaching.

“I will not let them overtake me, I am fast too! Quick, move it up a gear!” 30 seconds later: “Huff, puff, I can’t do this, why are they not sweating?”

On imagining my running form

“I am graceful like a gazelle.”

On noticing running form in reflection of window

“Bollocks. I resemble a tomato red hippo.”

On running half the distance

“I reckon I’ll take this shortcut now.”

On running past a bunch of kids

“I hate running past kids. They have loads of energy. I have none. Why don’t we just get a bunch of kids to run in the Olympics? They never get tired.”

On running past a bunch of chavs

“Please don’t laugh at me. Ok, they haven’t noticed. Why am I bothered what cider-swilling, cigerette-smoking kids think? I am improving my health! I am empowered! Ok, nearly there. Oh no, they noticed me. STOP LAUGHING! WAAAAAAAH!”

On being overtaken by super-fast runner.

“Show off.”

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